Yesterday, I could not stop smiling. When I tell you why, you might think I’ve really lost it. I just can’t help it, I got my game face on.
The morning started with a consultation with yet another doctor, my surgeon. We were there to discuss diagnosing my left side, as well as my PORT insertion. The man seriously made my day when he asked, “How does your tomorrow look?”. He made room in his schedule for every procedure, scan, and surgery that had to be done by his office. Chemo could start as early as next week. From 7:30 am til 4pm today, we were getting down to business, FINALLY! I went home in a state of complete elation. My amazing parents packed up and hit the road, so that sunny visit was on the way to a very grey Georgia. I spent every second I could with my tiny people. I swung them around and danced, snuggled them close, and rough-housed them till they were overloaded with tiny giggles. Feeling like myself, I made Cam a big gnocchi dinner, and he surprised me with pints of gelato.
There is so much pleasure in the mundane. Everyone keeps treating me like I’m so very sick, looks of pity in the eyes of the other patients and healthcare providers alike. I can hear their thoughts… “She’s too young”. Being treated like a victim to this awful disease can be overwhelming. I feel the solace for now in being anonymous in public… a coffee shop, the grocery… because until that moment my hair comes out, no one knows. For right now, I don’t feel sick. I feel strong. This is the time to enjoy that feeling, to live out loud.
I’m not completely insane. I know what’s coming. The sickness, the loss of time with my children (the hardest part of all of this), and the pain. I know there will be lots of pain. Despite that looming knowledge, today began early and the elation did not subside. The doctor asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was excited! He and the nurses stared for a minute, then burst out laughing. That was pretty much the atmosphere for the rest of the day. It’s hard to be upset when you know you are making progress. So, we began with new mammograms, ultrasounds, and led up to 3 separate core needle biopsies. After that, we had a quick change in venue to the surgical center for the insertion of my port. Now, I’m snugly tucked into bed with my new hardware and the biggest sandwich ever (you are not allowed to eat, for like… a whole day before!!). Sore, sleepy, but smiling. If all goes well, we will be kicking cancer in the teeth with our first round of chemo next week! What’s not to be excited about?