First I have to say, I can not believe the support this page has gotten in less than 24 hrs. It was really hard to make the decision to share so much of myself in such a public way but I’m already finding the reward in sharing the fight with others.
In the ten days since I was diagnosed, the analyst in me has come to full (manic) light. The consumption of information seems to be all I can think about in my down time. The questions that demanded immediate attention involved developing a treatment strategy. But after all the facts were locked in and there was confidence in my knowledge to make choices, the girl in me really emerged. I mean, if I have to lose both my lady lumps, how unfair is it that chemo will likely take my hair too? These are the two traits that are most significantly (and emotionally) tied to the feminine identity. I didn’t like how this made me feel. Vulnerable. A little vain. A lot furious.
That anger led me to control. With type A people, it always comes back to being in control! I needed a plan, to take action. The know-it-all in me has already mastered how to rock a head scarf and the best beauty products for absolute “chemo chic-ness”. The therapy shopper went and added more than a few comfy, but put together pieces to my closet (only I would think “cancer clothes” is a thing…). Then there was the hair… I know it’s going to go. I know that I probably get to face a surgery before chemo. So yesterday, I took back the control. If I have to do this, I’m doing it my way.
The theory is that if I lose my locks in stages, maybe it won’t hurt so much. So, pre-surgery we start with a bob. Is this the shortest my hair has every been? Uh, yes and it’s a little scary! The truth is even though I have to say ‘goodbye ponytail’ for what will be more than a year, I feel like the my outside now looks as fierce as my insides feel.
Stay tuned for the pre-chemo pixie cut… Hopefully, I’ll find the same strength in that day because the thought still terrifies me!