Sneaky Rage

I should be mad. I’m 28, with a young family, and so many adventures already on the books.  I should be angry as hell that this THING has happened to me. But mostly, I’m not. I’ve had conversations with my family about how lucky I am. Can you imagine?

If this THING was to be a part of my story, I’m so grateful it happened now. My husband’s job has afforded him flexibility to help care for me and more importantly my babies.  The active duty military insurance means we will walk away at the end of this debt free with no deductibles to meet, or bills to pay.  And my babies… I only asked for one but I got two. Two wonderful girls who made me realize I was always meant to be a mama. I don’t have to fear how this might effect my future having kids like so many young diagnosed because I already have the perfect, family filling set.  Their current age is even a gift. They are old enough to be less of a challenge for new caretakers. But more importantly, their youth means that the odds are in my favor. I don’t have to be scared that this will hurt them. Being apart  from them so much already is taking its toll but they won’t remember the fear, the struggle, the fight.

So when I say that today has filled me with rage, I don’t do it lightly. I woke up to feel it smack me in the face in the form of the flu.  This was supposed to be my last good week for a while. Of feeling normal. Of having my babies next to me without restriction. Instead, I’m spending this week before chemo trying to make sure I’m healthy enough for the tear down that is about to take place. I’m being isolated to keep from infecting the rest of my family.  As destroyed as my body feels, I don’t feel broken, I feel furious! I don’t like feeling like I’ve been robbed of something so precious. I guess this just means I have to work twice as hard to brush off those chemo side effects….

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3 thoughts on “Sneaky Rage

  1. Ashley—you are truly to be admired! I truly feel that you are going to win this big, nasty battle. Attitude is everything–and yours is great. We all wonder why so much befalls us when we feel that we can’t handle anymore, but, the flu is conquerable and so is this cancer. I know, I am a cancer survivor as is my husband. We are all praying for you and your family. Keep fighting the good fight!

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  2. Fight you will girl!!!! Ashley you are truly one of the strongest of the entire pack of SWHS girls. Love you….. Keep fighting!

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