Being the middle of the night, I became introspective as the tune hummed on. The sentiments of my last post had me feeling off. As predicted, I instantly felt lighter of heart once I hit the publish button and the clouds cleared. I don’t regret writing it because it was honest and I always try to be honest with you. But, I now feel foolish for having such a deeply held funk in my spirit. For the previous week, the words superficial, petty, and victim come into mind. It is my deep hope that I am truly none of those things. I hate the word victim most of all and I hate that I let a mood shade my amazing news.
Just sitting here in the chemo room was a big wake up call. The people here are so much sicker than I am. I assume many of them won’t see the words remission on their charts. And here I was, not celebrating properly that we’ve come so far in a short time. The day after I found out the good news, a stranger I began following on social media saw the end of her battle. It was hard. She was close to my age and as a stage 4 diagnosed, she was never given hope of remission. I immediately regretted everything. Though this life is hard, it is wonderful. I have been gifted with another life. The girl I used to be is barely recognizable, and I miss her slightly. There are a few parts of her I’ll hold on to (the rowdy and carefree parts), but a lot of her will disappear because the truth is…. she was just a girl and this was a wake up call. Time to grow. Time to get stronger. Time to stop with consuming anxiety and sweating the small stuff. So much has changed in these three short months. This woman that is evolving is one I can truly embrace.So for round 3 of chemotherapy, I came dressed as my spirit animal, the quintessential woman. Rosie. And you know what… I CAN do this. We can do this. We are winning guys! I won’t let the clouds back in, promise. There is so much to be thankful for, we don’t have time to be bogged down with all the temporary. Side effects. Hibernation. Lost time. Physical appearance. Say a few quick prayers for me. Pray for steel in my spine, forgiveness for myself in my heart (for when I stumble), and a brief stint hiding in my burrow this round. Reinforcements are already on the way to help.