Meet Me Halfway?

FullSizeRender

Round 3… Ding Ding!

Last night, the night before chemo, I once again couldn’t sleep.  Between the steroids and the impending day ahead, my mind runs while my body lays ready for sleep.  If you know me, you’d know there is a constant song running through my head (thus the spontaneous dancing that bursts out on occasion).  Last night heavily featured techno beats and the Black Eyed Peas singing “Meet me half way…..” on repeat.  Normally, this song conjures up memories a Greek vacation with a group of guys I’ve been lucky enough to have as friends who have become family.  And, of course, it still did because well… that was the soundtrack of an awesome long ago memory.  But, the song was firmly stuck for other reasons too.  Today, is the halfway mark into this chemo battle, and I’m walking into this final half with the most amazing prognosis one can possibly have, I’ll soon be in remission.  My body was humming with the excitement of knowing how far we’ve come.  Then it came to me, I think I’m halfway between who I was and who I’m going to be, and that is a very real struggle.

Being the middle of the night, I became introspective as the tune hummed on.   The sentiments of my last post had me feeling off.  As predicted, I instantly felt lighter of heart once I hit the publish button and the clouds cleared.  I don’t regret writing it because it was honest and I always try to be honest with you.  But, I now feel foolish for having such a deeply held funk in my spirit.  For the previous week, the words superficial, petty, and victim come into mind.  It is my deep hope that I am truly none of those things.  I hate the word victim most of all and I hate that I let a mood shade my amazing news.

Just sitting here in the chemo room was a big wake up call.  The people here are so much sicker than I am.  I assume many of them won’t see the words remission on their charts.  And here I was, not celebrating properly that we’ve come so far in a short time. The day after I found out the good news, a stranger I began following on social media saw the end of her battle.  It was hard.  She was close to my age and as a stage 4 diagnosed, she was never given hope of remission.  I immediately regretted everything.  Though this life is hard, it is wonderful.  I have been gifted with another life.  The girl I used to be is barely recognizable, and I miss her slightly.  There are a few parts of her I’ll hold on to (the rowdy and carefree parts), but a lot of her will disappear because the truth is…. she was just a girl and this was a wake up call.  Time to grow. Time to get stronger.  Time to stop with consuming anxiety and sweating the small stuff.  So much has changed in these three short months.  This woman that is evolving is one I can truly embrace.

Ashley the Riveter in action

Ashley the Riveter in action

So for round 3 of chemotherapy, I came dressed as my spirit animal, the quintessential woman.  Rosie.  And you know what… I CAN do this. We can do this. We are winning guys!  I won’t let the clouds back in, promise.  There is so much to be thankful for, we don’t have time to be bogged down with all the temporary.  Side effects.  Hibernation.  Lost time.  Physical appearance.  Say a few quick prayers for me.  Pray for steel in my spine, forgiveness for myself in my heart (for when I stumble), and a brief stint hiding in my burrow this round.  Reinforcements are already on the way to help.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Meet Me Halfway?

  1. You are so inspiring Ashley, God bless you through this storm. Thank you for always sharing, no matter how your day is, or how you feel. I think of you, and your precious family daily, please know that you are in every silent prayer of mine. Keep fighting the fight sister, you got this!

    Like

  2. I sure love you, Ashley! Thanks for being honest – and for inspiring us with your attitude. I hope I don’t have to face cancer, but I also hope that I’ll allow my daily (small) challenges to reshape me into a new woman as well. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement! Here’s to new perspectives, personal growth, and remission!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ashley, as I’ve said before, you are truly an amazing girl! I think you should have a poster made of your “Rosie” stance. Maybe it should be put up on the wall of the chemo room. It says a lot and (I think) sends a positive message for all those brave women going through the chemo.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s