So… It’s here. Precisely 173 days in the making, tomorrow is surgery day (5:15 am to be exact).
I wish I could write you a blog post full of awesome thoughts and dark humor but… I’m absolutely exhausted from the prep stage and this brain just isn’t swinging around the wit the way it normally does. So what CAN I tell you….
Well, for one, I am so ready. There is no fear. No regret. No dread. I remain steady in this decision. The hardest part of preparing has not been at all mental and completely physical. I’m the strongest I’ve been since we got the diagnosis. The chemo effects have completely gone from body.
Just to prove how tough I am (I suppose to myself and my Mr), I decided to tackle a fear. Flying. Okay, this fear hit more so on my heights issues but… but for arguments sake, we can consider zip lining a form of flying, no? Either way, this is not something pre-cancer Ashley would have been demanding to experience. But guess what, it was amazing!
The thing about fear is it holds you back. I’m learning that fear (along with anxiety and doubt) just don’t have a place in my life anymore. And… THAT is the biggest reason I have not second guessed my decisions in treatment, or approached them with anything other anticipation. I’m telling you… the anticipation for those words are killing me. Soon… “There is no evidence of cancer”. Sweet Remission!