When Fearless Falters….

Have you ever been spinning out, so high on life, that you stop and think…. “Ain’t nothing slowing this train”?

I have to tell you 10 hours ago… That was me.  Happy.  Hospitalized but still happy.  You see, for a few weeks now I’ve been having major migraine type of spells. They got so bad I landed in the ER for the second time on Saturday afternoon.  And, I know you’re thinking “but Ashley you just said you were happy!” And I was…. until 10 hrs ago.

Tuesday morning, I woke up free of a headache for the first time in a long time.  I was excited that my doctors were finally figuring out what was going on inside my nugget. MOST importantly I was so happy that I was going to go home today.  See those tiny faces.   Smush those bitty cheeks.  Feel the giggles.

Today has come and gone and the only thing that has exited the building is morale.  You see… the cause of my pain was cancer.  My cancer is back.

Not only is my cancer back, it is in the lining of the fluid that holds your brain and spinal column. And now things are spinning.   They are spinning out of control.  Spinning out of reach.  Spinning out of hope.

I’ve already had my first radiation treatment.  It happened less than 8 hours after I was diagnosed. I have 9 more to go.  Did I mention my hair will start falling out by tomorrow? My fun, feisty hard won hair.   Then we start talking next steps.

Well my next step will be a move to Tennessee.  So we are shuffling, while arranging doctors and treatment plans, and insurance coverage.  I haven’t even gotten to leave the hospital and already I’m planning a major move.  I wish I could tell you, “What’s next?”

I know that I still have hope. I know I still have happiness. I’ll find it again but for now it’s all just spinning.